Iron Man: Abridged
by The lovable writer
Summary: Want to read a shortened Iron Man parody! No? Well do it anyway! If you don't read, Iron Man will die!
1. Chapter 1

**_Iron Man Abridged is not sponsered by Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series, but if he did I'm sure he'd say I was awsome..._**

"And the winner of tonight award for best industrial business, uh, O.K, that's an award now? Whatever, is Oscourpe. Collecting is Harry Osbourne."

"I have a shocking announcment! Harry Osbourne is dead in a Knife-Surfboard related death!!!" Random Man exclaims.

The people gasp. The fan-boys squeel. That's right, I don't consider fan-boys people. We're above them!

"Damn it! Now my fan-fiction is an alternate Universe one, and nobody reads those." Spiderman-Fan871 mutters angrilly.

"Well than I guess the award goes to Tony Stark." The Host announces.

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .**

"And he's not here. Damn it, why do we even bother, did any of the nominee's actually show up?" The Host asks.

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .**

**_Meanwhile in a Casino not to far from here..._**

The slot machines jingle and the dice roal in the Casino. All around is the colours of magic, excietment, and phoces enhoused in diapers cause Gambling addicts don't want to leave their slot machines.

"You're being pretty relaxed about me skipping the award ceremony Jim." Tony laughs whilst playing Black Jack.

"Yeah, whatever." Jim mutters.

"And you're being pretty uncaring recently as well. What's up with that?" Tony asks.

"Maybe you should ask Don Cheadle!" Jim yells.

"For the last time! I liked you all equally! He just gets paid less and knows his place. But we had good times, Iron Man, Iron Man: The Video Game. Remember the game, remember the horrible reviews, remeber the booing." Tony reminises.

"I know my place now shut up you former crack head or I'll rip out your own arms and beat you to death with them!" Jim yells again.

**_Whoa! Calm it there Terrance..._**

"And you shut up too narrator guy, come down and say that to my face." Jim taunts.

**_And you wonder why they fired you, whatever moving on to the next day..._**

Military Generals. Weapons. Curiousity is in the air. The people gather as they preare to observe what may be the greatest show of devestation since Disaster Movie.

"Some people say the best weapon is the weapon that stops a foe through fear. I say the best weapon is the weapon that stops a foe because they're a pile of smoking radioactive ashes being blown away in the shock waves of a Super-Mega Atomic Rapture created from a 20 megaton Universe Creating explosion." Tony demonstartes.

"And do you have such a weapon?" Military General 71 asks.

"I have a giant missle that shoots lots of little missiles and they all lock onto evil people and blow them up!" Tony describes.

"Do you get these ideas from children?" Military General 12 asks.

"You wont be laughing when I turn the "phone that freezes you and turns you blue" on you!" Tony warns.

"Whatever we'll damn well buy the weapons." Military General 66 decides.

"Thanks now I need to take a car to death Mountains." Tony explains to a series of shocked faces. "Don't worry it's just a name!"

**_At Death Mountains, an ambush ensues..._**

"Tell my wife she's a giant whore!" Dying solider yells taking a series of Stark Corp bullets to the chest.

"I thought Death Mountains was just a name!" Tony cries out.

"What they meant to say was it's just a collection of large hills." An Ambushing Terrorist explains.

"Mr Stark, all your bases are belong to us." Terrorist Leader announces.

"And I thought we'd get through a chapter without the pop culture references." Tony sighs.

**_At the Terrorist Fortress of Ethically Uncertain Actions..._**

"Attacked by your own weapons. How Ironic." Razza (the Terrorist Leader, seriously!) laughs.

"Actually irony is when the two major circumstances are opposite or contradictary, the fact the weapons I use to attack other people attacked me is ironic, this is just really hilarious." Tony corrects.

A long angry pause ensues. Than Razza returns with a smart quip of his own:

"Kick the crap out of him!"

"You can kick the crap out of me, but people will be looking for me." Tony warns.

**_At the Head-Quarters of Operation: Find Tony Stark..._**

"So who do you prefer! Don Cheadle or me?" Jim asks.

"Don't we have bigger stuff to deal with?" Hogan wonders.

"Last project Don Cheadle did, Oceans 13, tacky sequel and celebrity-fest. Last project I did, The Brave One, emotional, deals with the issues. Which is better? Well!" Jim persists.

"But we had a report that..." Hogan reads.

"Which is better!!!" Jim demands.

**_Back at The Fortress of Ethically Uncertain Actions..._**

_Day 2 of the Kidnapping, and Tony has gotten himself and the Cell Mate, Yinsen, beaten for the 18th time, this time for correcting the Terrorists statment on the Inferiority of The British Empire._

"Please stop being a rich pompous git Tony. I don't think I can take another beating." Yinsen begs.

"Than we'll escape. Let me see we have a variety of machine parts that could construct a massive missile system. A miniature ARC generator running my heart. We're surrounded my teams of guards. You know what I'm thinking?"

"I'll shoot you than I'll turn the gun on myself."

"Or, we build a Super, Mega Robot Suit, with built in Flamethrowers, and Missle Launchers, and laser beams, and Giant Jet Pack which can travel really really fast." Tony decides.

"That was my second idea." Yinsen says.

**_To be continued..._**

_Special thanks to my 5 year old cousin who described a lot of Tony Starks weapons..._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Iron Man: Abridged, I get next to no reviews, why do I still bother! I swear I'm doing a Yu-Gi-Oh project next! I swear it! I..., ah nobody cares...**_

"Activating the giant robot suit. You know if this fails we're all going to die." Yinsen explains.

"But if it works, I could escape, build an even better mega-super-ultra suit with built in laser blaster and missile firing stuff and become a super hero." Tony counters.

"Oh, than can I have some more lines before this happens." Yinsen asks.

"Screw you! Get your own damn movie!" Tony spits back.

"At least I don't rip of YouTube videos I saw 3 minutes ago!" Yinsen mutters.

"Did someone mention YouTube! Has Masaox updated yet! I'm coming in!" A outside guard yells.

"Oh hell! Yinsen, defend me, I'm to important to die!" Tony yells.

Yinsen charges forward, the only thing more amazing than his determination being his bad aim.

"Oh no he's shooting wildly in the air, run, roof chipping might agitate are eyes." Terrorist 1 cries out.

They run like cowards.

"Not if we put glasses on! Now we are immune from the roof chippings. Shoot him!" Terrorist 2 yells.

"Yinsen is dead! No! Moderate regret, and I'm good again. It's Iron Man time."

**_The enemies are drawing near. Time for Iron Man to spread some fear, sorry, had to say that..._**

"No threat of roof chippings! Open fire men!" Terrorist 3 says.

"Nice try! But I bring you fire! Burn baby burn! Disco Inferno!" Iron Man retorts.

"Keep firing!" Another Terrorist orders.

"If shooting him didn't work the 376th time, what makes you think it'll work the 377th time?"

"If you want to die getting more screen time, be my guest!"

**_A long series of firing and return firing ensues, everything expected to happen, happens._**

"Up up and away!" Iron Man yells.

**_Several miles away..._**

"Who would have thought escaping into a barren desert was a bad idea?" Tony Stark gasps.

"Mr Stark! We're here to save you!" Helicopter orders.

"Oh Jim! Thank goodness! You saved me..." Tony wheezes.

"I have a new project! Fighting! The Underground world of Street Fighting! See I don't need Iron Man! In your face!" Jim retorts.

"You came here just to say that?" Tony sighs.

**_Back at Stark Industries..._**

"People! I will no longer make weapons! It turns out they were being funded to terrorists." Tony Stark announces.

"But think of the economic ramifications." Obadiah begs.

"But terrorists were killing people with them!" Tony reminds.

"But the money people will loose." Obadiah reminds back.

"But people were dying." Tony reminds back back.

"But the money we'll loose!" Obadiah reminds back back back.

"But..." Tony says.

"**MONEY!!!** Your off the case Stark!" Obadiah decides.

**_To be continued..._**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Iron Man: Abridged, imagine how good this would be if it were a YouTube video!_**

"Hell! Where's my Butler JARVIS gone!" Tony panics.

"I'm sorry sir, in the adaptation from comics to film I've been reduced to a computer being voiced by a man who doesn't have a clue what he's voicing for. Is that alright Mr Faverau, are we still recording?" JARVIS explains/ reads.

"Oh whatever. I'm building a giant killer robot suit, but keep it a secret." Tony replies.

"Is the mike on? Should I start speaking, O.K..... yes Mr Stark. Ha ha, I'm an acting genius." JARVIS says.

"How long should it take to build the suit?" Tony asks.

"Several years." JARVIS answers.

"Too long. Lets just reduce it to a 10 minute training montage." Tony decides.

"But sir, to you think it..."

"Wise, logical, ethically correct, safe to the stable continuation of the Universe. I'll tell you what I told you last time JARVIS! I'll get hammered first, than I'll get to work!"

**_Some getting blathered later..._**

"You ever noticcced, how the possssh people, how they, how they just ssssubsistitute the word drunk for ssssome kind of noun, well I've gotten calendared!" Tony observes.

"Sir, the robot suit?" JARVIS asks.

"The ssssuper killer amazing robot ssssuit! Yeah, begin the training montage." Tony orders.

**_I can't actually show you my mind right now, or make You-Tube videos that could act as a moderate visual representation of my mind, only write brilliant comedy, so you're just going to have to imagine the theme music to Rocky playing whilst Stark randomly hammers or stuff. Well, imagine! I said imagine damn it, you're not imagining hard enough!_**

"Well that was easy. Lets go get wrapping-papered at that big business party!" Tony decides.

"Wrapping papered?" JARVIS asks.

**_I was wrapping Christmas presents, anyway, at a big party..._**

"Mr Stark, you are aware that your business has been providing weapons to evil people?" Journalist asks.

"So we're basically Oscourpe?" Tony analyses.

"Is suffering financially due to recent decisions." Journalist adds.

"So we're basically like Oscourpe?" Tony notes.

"And is probably ran by an alcoholic, AKA you!" Journalist exclaims.

"Listen we're like Oscourpe! Ask Stan Lee over there!"

"Hay, I'm trying to get laid here!!! So anyway ladies, do you like comics?" Stan Lee yells, before getting back to seducing.

**_Tony confronts Obadiah..._**

"Obadiah, we need do do something!" Tony orders.

"No. You'll do nothing cause I'm in charge now!" Obadiah laughs.

".................................. Wait, you're not going to toss in a joke in that?" Tony asks.

"Not every sentence has to have some joke or random pop culture reference." Obadiah remarks.

".................................... Screw the Rules! I have Money!" Tony pop cultures.

**_Back at Oscourpe, I mean Stark Industries..._**

"Damn I'm angry, time for some anger management. Lets go beat up some terrorists in the name of America!" Tony Stark yells.

**_In some part of the Middle East I assume..._**

"Ha ha! Where's your God now!!! I wonder what Yinsen would think right now?" Tony wonders.

_Tonyyyyy!_

"The ghost of Yinsen! I'm doing what you wanted, are you proud?"

_When did I actually specifyyyyyyyyyyyy, that I wanted you to storm the Middle Eassssst, and blow up terrorists, wooooohhhh! Fear me!_

"Why are you talking like that Yinsen?"

_This is aimed at an American audienccccccccce! Like they actually know a stereotype when they see onnnnnne! Whoooooo!_

"Whatever. Time to blow up some Muslims, this is no way racist!"

**_After a considerable time blowing up Muslims in a cruel but a non-racist way..._**

"So let that be a lesson to you! Until Obama pulls us out, we'll continue to kick your butt, because we're America, inventor of South Park and !"

**_At Military Base..._**

"So anyway, I've got Factor X lined up for 2010, and 2 other in development projects according to IMDB! What does Don Cheadle have, nothing!" Jim Rhodes explains.

"Doesn't he have Brooklyns Finest, Hotel for Dogs, and 6 other in development Projects on IMDB, as well as Iron Man 2, the Avengers and any possible video game spin offs? Hang on, we've got a UFO coming up on the radar, better shoot it down." Military Dude replies.

"Don't change the subject! Ever heard of quality rather than quantity!" Jim exclaims.

"It just shot down one of my fighters, and saved the pilot?"

"It's all about you! Isn't it. (mobile rings) Hello?" Jim says.

"Could you not send anymore jets after me? I'm the UFO?" Tony says over the phone.

"Whatever, I'm getting fired no matter what."

**_To be continued..._**


	4. Chapter 4

**_All in all, Mr Lucas concluded that the Prequel were better than the Sequels, than the killing spree started, Mr Lucas is MIA. In lighter new Iron Man has stormed the Middel East, with Terrorists fleeing across the land. With the arrival of Iron Man as are new Protector of Earth what do are previous protectors think?_**

"What! But Spiderman's still cool! Come on, 2011! Spiderman 4, I don't want to give up my position! I get fan girls." Spiderman comments.

"It's good new. You know personally it'll give me more time on my hands, I can keep track on my Suduko team, update my World of Warcraft account, there's a Fan-Fiction contest coming up soon. So when do we start filming?" Blade says.

"Well I reckon I'll enjoy the competition, I mean, I'm the punisher, I reckon I can keep up with him." Punisher replies.

.........................................................................................

"What. What's wrong with punisher? Third times a charm, right? Right? Oh come on, I'm like Batman only not well known." Punisher begs.

"Iron who? Wrong Universe mate?" Hellboy explains.

**_Back at Iron Man's base of Awsomeness..._**

"Tony! Next time lock the door before you have threesomes!!! OMG, you're Iron Man!!!" Pepper screams.

"To answer your comments in easyness of responce. Yeah, I'm Iron Man, that door doesn't lock after the night sex and shotguns, and yeah, I got nothing for the threesome." Tony explains.

"But your Iron Man, isn't that dangerous?" Pepper asks.

"Name one movie where the lead female has died?" Tony asks back.

"Dark Knight, James Bond, Van Helsing, Transporter 2, The Bourne Trilogy..." Pepper lists.

"But your not even my girlfriend, your Hogans!" Tony exclaims.

"Who?"

"My Bodyguard, we barely see him but apparently he's my best friend. Played by the director, when exposed to copper radiation he becomes the Freak, the comics kind of cover him better, he did heroic stuff during the civil war." Tony explains.

"He's played by the director. I like the sound of that." Pepper ponders.

"Oh no! You're gonna be my girl, even if that does mean killing you off!"

**_At Terrorist Base of Ethically Uncertain actions, ah hell, they're evil now..._**

"So we discovered Tonys former Iron Man suit. But it'll be difficult to fix, you'll have to get a portable ARC generator." Razza explains.

"Well considering I'm the generic throw away villain I should have that kind of power. I also have the power to kill you." Obadiah explains.

"Really? That's cool, oh wait." Razza thinks.

**_Back at the Tony Cave..._**

"Yoink, that's my ARC generator dealt with. And I'll have that flat screen TV too." Obadiah decides, snatching Tonys heart.

"Why?" Tony begs.

"Christmas is coming and I don't want to spend money. What???" Obadiah explains.

"No why steal my heart to create a super suit?" Tony questions.

"Oh yeah, uh, well, fear my generic lack of motives! Suffer my ineffective and pointless powers!"

"This looks like a job for redundant minor character man! Maybe by saving the hero they'll let me back in for the sequel!" Jim decides.

"Nope, you still suck Terrance. Now it's time to steal the show with a super hero super villain mega robot fight while your scenes where you save my life by ramming a sports car into Obadiah are deleted!!!"

"Damn it. I'll sit in the background and be annoyed." Jim mutters.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Warning: The following Fan-Fiction contains copious amounts of Twilight bashing, if you don't like me talking about how the lead character is_** **_a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto and that Vampire Baseball is possibly the most stupid idea since The Book on How to Read, well, you have now..._**

**_And tonight on the Jerry Springer Show, we have a ton of generic arguing pairs that we'll pretend to help, though mainly just taunt to reveal how messed up they are and make you feel better about your own life..._**

"He stole my indestrucatble heart and replaced it with a far weaker one, handicapping me for any fight I have with him and threatening to kill me!"

"That was Jason Statham talking about his next film, Crank 2, however before that continuing are theme of people having life preserving metallic organs stolen, we have Iron Man and Iron Monger." Jerry Springer announces.

"I'm the Iron Monger?" Obadiah asks.

"Listen, it's a comic adaptation and that's what you were called in the comics, don't expect the fan-boys to call you anything else." Host Informs.

"He nearly killed me and expects me to fight handicapped." Iron Man yells.

"And how does that make you feel?" Jerry Springer asks.

"Pissed off!" Iron Man replies.

"O.K, well after the break we'll be having a robot fight to the death. Now lets here a word from our sponsors!" Jerry says.

**Advert!**

**_One a place a bet! What's that you say! You don't place bets! You will on these! Cause this is the one gambling organisation that gambles exclusively on massive action packed super hero fights!_**

_I didn't used to gamble cos of my former adiction, but when they offered me the chance to bet on The Incredible Hulk vs The Abomination, I was right back on the stuff!_

**_Spider-man vs The Green Goblin! The Fantastic 4 vs Dr Doom! Blade vs Dracula! We do it all!_**

_Hay! I want my money! I placed a bet on John McClane vs 1 F-30 Fighter Jet! He won and you wont pay!_

**_The truck McClane drove was detroyed and the pilot lived, it's a wash, now get out of the camera. Anyway! Come today! Iron Man 17/2 and Iron Monger 4/1!_**

**_And back to what actually happened in the film..._**

"Prepare to die Iron Monger! You're going down harder than the reputation of Twilight fans after the release of that crappy film adaptation." Iron Man/ me yells at Iron Monger/ my Twilight loving Sister.

"You know most of the sad fans who read that probably read lots of fan-fiction and review this story? Do we really want to attack that part of are viewership!" Iron Monger informs.

"Yes! Now I'm going to punch more holes in you than the plot to Twilight!" Iron Man quips.

_Fight ensues. Two robots toss each other about a bit. Yeah, that's about it._

"Curses. This film has lacked so much action, to make up for it we're just going to be stuck in this pointless loop forever. I should call Jim." Tony decided and makes the call.

"You know Don Chea....." Jim begins.

"On second thoughts lets go with Pepper." Tony decides.

**_With Virginia "Pepper" Potts..._**

"Pepper! I need you to contribute to the plot." Tony says over the phone.

"But I thought I was the obligatory generic tough female character who was slightly bitchy and did nothing else but stand there and get kidnapped?" Pepper asks.

"Yes, but I need you to type randomly on the keyboard and blow up the ARC generator. Apparently that's the only way to destroy it and Obadiah!" Tony explains.

"If it means doing more than Jim, sure." Pepper decides.

**_Back with the fight..._**

"Face it Tony, you talk big and compare me with Twilight. But in the end it's a good adaptation and an interesting take on Vampires." Iron Monger announces.

"Never! Any Vampire book that has no blood sucking and asks awkward questions about the sexual processes of Vampires is rubbish. Die!!!" Iron Man exclaims.

"Prepare to die Tony!" Iron Monger yells.

"Psyche! You stepped onto my trap, an exploding ARC generator. So remember kids, when things are going wrong, cheat!" Iron Man says.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Iron Man: Abridged! Made in Britain! Champions of Tea, Incredible Racists, and highest teenage pregnancy rates in Europe..._**

"Hay Pepper, become my love interest?" Tony asks.

"I'm not sure at the moment. Do we have those odd movie bed sheets that oddly cover up to the waist on one side and up to the chest on the other?" Pepper asks.

"Nope. And this film is rated 12, (that's PG-13 if you use the Yank system). We better put the love interest thing on hold." Tony decides.

"Sir. Here is your cover story for last night. I'm from the Security..." That Guy begins.

"You're from SHIELD. Every fan-boy has already figured that out now go away we cut all your scenes from the previous chapters." Tony exclaims.

"Damn, and I'm basically gonna get replaced by Samuel L Jackson in the sequel." That Guy moans.

"Tell me about it. Don Cheadle, Samuel L Jackson. I mean beyond the Oscar nominations, lots of money, and the ability to be in bad films but have no career damage, what do they have?" Jim moans.

**_At the Press Conference..._**

"People of the press. Iron Man is my body guard." Tony announces.

"Oh no he isn't!" The crowd yells back.

"Oh yes he is." Tony yells back.

"Oh no he isn't." The Crowd reply with a shout.

"Oh yes, listen, we're not doing this." Tony replies.

"Hello you _(censor)ing_ _(censor)s_. I'm Guy _(cenor)ing_ Ritchie. I'm here to offer that _(censor)ing_ Iron Man the lead role in a new Sherlock _(censor)ing_ Holmes franchise. And probably after that, fame, fortune, babes, the whole _(censor)ing_ lot!!!"

"I am Iron Man!" Tony announces.


	7. Chapter 7

**_If you didn't stay behind and wait through the entire end credits, enduring nagging parents, pissed guys sitting next to you, and the guy who cleans the cinema giving you dirty looks, well than this is for you..._**

**_In the home of Tony Stark, all is quiet..._**

"JARVIS. I'm home." Tony says entering his home.

"Well that's me done for, I want my money. One more line, post credits scene, oh alright, but I have to be in a Brendan Fraser movie. O.K, and.... _Good evening sir......._ Now where is my coat?" JARVIS replies.

"Hang on, who's on my couch, listen, Jim, you're fired! Accept it!" Tony moans.

"No Mr Stark. I'm Nick Fury of SHIELD."

"I thought he was white?" Tony asks.

"Oh dear God lets not go down that road! There are too many fans and racists arguing over that as it is. I'm here to talk to you about something else." Fury explains.

"Is it about my alcohol issues? Cause they're only to set up for a sequel." Tony asks.

"No. I want to talk to you about an Avenger..."

**_SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!_**

"... initiative." Nick Fury finishes.

**_And no one lived happily ever after because they have to be in Iron Man 2, Iron Man 3, possible further Iron Man sequels, the Avengers, possible Avengers sequels, accompanying animated series, and the video game adaptations..._**


End file.
